Fears and doubts of a young teacher

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I graduated from university three years ago. My education is philological, in short, no one needs philologists in my city, a teacher, a philologist and an English translator – and yet it is impossible to find a normal job. I never wanted to go to school, I was afraid. At first I looked for a job hard, first as a secretary, but they didn’t take me, then they took me to one poor factory, but I realized that there was no point, so I didn’t work there.

I got a job as a sales assistant through my acquaintances – I got dumped there. Then I managed to get a job as an administrator in a beauty salon, even put a candle, I was so happy, although the salary is only 6000 (without employment), but I was willing to work for it. But the salon closed after a month. Another year and a half looking for something, but nothing better than the office manager, and fraud everywhere, not even want to make out employment.

Then I decided to go to work in school, but in junior high, that is, for this I had to retrain as an elementary school teacher. I signed up, waited, and the institute that does it was not given a license to do it. I started looking again, agreed with one school to get a job with them in their specialty, they agreed to give me 3rd and 5th grades (the older I am afraid). How glad I was! But coming to her already at the end of August, as agreed, she told me that she took someone with experience. Then a classmate offered me my place, in another school, it was very far away from me, but I didn’t care. I came and was persuaded to take all classes, including one 8th grade and two 9th graders. At first I tried to refuse exactly those, but I was persuaded, and there was no time to think – it was only one night.

And now September is approaching, and I’m crying. I’m scared mentally, I don’t understand anything I have to do, even though they explain it to me, but I still don’t know how to prepare for lessons, and I’m very scared. I regretted 150 times that I got involved with this school. I wanted to give it all up and get a job at some beauty salon again, but it’s too late: I feel bad in front of them, they’ve already turned down someone who called and asked for the job because they took me. In front of my mother and all my friends and relatives I am ashamed that for so many years I cannot find a job. My mother thinks I don’t want to work at all, although I really want to, but I can’t find anything at least normal. Damn philological education, but there is no money for a second higher education.

I’m 26 and I’m nobody. Now I dread waiting for Monday and crying. I can’t even speak in front of a normal audience, let alone teenagers. Can anyone give advice on what to do, because I do not even want to live …