Love is blind, but one day there comes an epiphany

I spent New Year’s 2007 with my mother. The guy I was dating didn’t wish me a Happy New Year and even turned off his phone. I was in no mood. On January 1 my cousin and his girlfriend came to visit, we sat down. And they started going to visit his cousin with his family, they called me there too. When we arrived, there was already a bunch of people there: neighbors, friends. And he was among them (he was 38, the difference between us was 17 years), but with his wife. After all these years, I know that I was a childish fool. When he showed up, I thought, “Too bad he’s married. Then we left for home, but He walked us home and kissed my hand, my heart almost jumped out of my chest.

Three days went by, and he receives a text message (his brother gave him his phone number) with an offer to meet. I thought a lot, but a friend advised me, seeing doesn’t mean there will be a sequel… Then correspondence followed and still a meeting, after which I couldn’t think about anything else, and I caught myself thinking that I was starting to fall in love.

Three days went by, and he receives a text message (his brother gave him his phone number) with an offer to meet. I thought a lot, but a friend advised me, seeing doesn’t mean there will be a sequel… Then correspondence followed and still a meeting, after which I couldn’t think about anything else, and I caught myself thinking that I was starting to fall in love.

So we started seeing each other on the weekends or whenever he could. My mother had no idea. But in March my wife found out about my existence (as it turned out, she was jealous of me back at New Year’s), and the calls, threats, and endless fidgeting started. He joked about it, but he kept saying that he loved my wife and that he couldn’t leave her, because she would turn the children against him and they would have to share everything, and he would have nothing left. I believed… He occasionally went to live with his mother, then came back to the family. There were different reasons: the kids were sick, my wife was in the hospital. But it was a deception, as it turned out later.

That’s how we lived, I was dissuaded by all my relatives and friends: give it up, don’t ruin your life. But I trusted Him alone, that we would be together. Six months after we started our relationship, my wife called my mother and told her everything. It was a shock to my mom, and she started controlling me, at my age of 21.

Our meetings lasted two and a half years. I was studying at the university. Now I realize that those were the worst years of my life. He began to be jealous, accused of cheating, he was even jealous of the teachers. But it never came to a divorce. The arguments were simple, from his point of view: “I don’t know you well enough, I should be patient and get to know you better. But it is a pity to leave Moja alone with two children. During our relationship he never called me his, and when he complained about his wife, he called her “mine. I realize now that I was a toy in His hands and a way to relax. But the worst was ahead, when He heard someone else’s male voice, it meant only one thing to Him: that I had found a lover, even though I couldn’t even meet anyone.

2009. It begins with me writing my master’s thesis… And it’s becoming an excuse to see each other less and less often. Because I started to realize that I don’t even want to see him anymore. In the middle of April, we meet, and it’s a beautiful night… Everything is fine, but after that night I no longer want to hear his voice or even see him. May – my period lasted very little – 2 days, but I don’t think about it. On the 1st of July I defend my diploma, so I have to work hard to make everything perfect. Mid-June, no period. I can’t tell anyone, I can imagine the reaction of my relatives… Tests show one line, but inside I know I’m pregnant. With a friend go to the gynecologist, everything is confirmed. I ask to have an abortion, but the gynecologist woman begins to persuade me that at 23 it’s stupid. Already with an education, and even more so not 15. I thought a lot about having a baby or not, but I did not dare to have an abortion.

I defended myself. In July he called, but I told him that I didn’t want any more relations with him. I thought he would come and want to see me and talk to me, but he didn’t.

Pregnancy was fine, no toxicosis, no fatigue. My relatives didn’t notice, and I didn’t know how to tell them. The end of August… My brother and his wife came to visit. And then two days later my mother asked: “Are you pregnant? My brother said your belly got bigger. And you look different.” I denied it, but it was the weekend. My sister started talking about the same thing, and I cracked. I was 17 weeks. At a family meeting, we decided that there was no way out, we were going to have the baby. Everyone hoped it would be a girl (my brother and sister have 2 sons each), but a girl would be one for everyone.

In October I got a text message from him: “I know you’re pregnant. Is it my baby?” I didn’t answer; it hurt and hurt that I was giving my whole self to him, and he doubted it. So, I didn’t see Him the whole pregnancy, only in November wrote that I would come over the weekend – I would talk to my family, and to you. The weekend passed – no call, nothing… He didn’t come.

At the end of January, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, for myself. Everyone was over the moon, and our dad found out, too. Two days later, they brought me a package from Him at the hospital. But I gave it all back, I didn’t even look at what was in it. My cousin gave it all back.

In the two and a half years since my daughter was born, he has never seen her or even called us. I know he’s back with his wife, and if they’re not lying, there’s a baby. I don’t ask anyone how his life is going. I can say with certainty that we don’t need that kind of father. I hope I meet someone else who will live for me. I do not regret giving birth to a baby, because no one can replace her smile, her first steps, the words of love and the best word in the world “MAMA”. When I walk beside her, I feel only pride that I gave life to this beautiful child. And HIM, thank you so much for being a biological father, without HIM there would not be a daughter. I don’t know, but I think if she ever wants to see her daughter, I won’t stop her from it, just don’t want her to know who He really is to her. And she calls my own brother Daddy, and he’s very happy to have a daughter like that – she has a Daddy.