He loved me. But in his mind, to love meant kissing, hugging, caressing, feeling confident and, at the same time, comfortable around me. He knew I was stronger than he was, but he wanted to hope that it would pass. He tried to work on it. Understanding that a woman loves with her ears, he honestly tried to tell me something interesting and, at the same time, flattering about him. I listened and, realizing that he really only wanted to be strong, for my part I hoped that he could convince himself of this.
He would come over, sit down next to me on the couch, take my little hand in his, turn on the TV, and tell me how comfortable he was watching some action movie next to me. I was cozy next to him too, but I did not understand why it should be cozy and pleasant to watch TV and cuddle sitting on the sofa while there are so many pleasant and interesting things around, and while we are young and not too burdened with cares, we could see so many interesting things. Even in my hometown. There are theaters, cinemas, the circus, the zoo, museums, exhibition halls, and finally, just parks and streets, wandering through which is as pleasant as visiting museums, and, besides, completely free of charge.
He would come over, sit down next to me on the couch, take my little hand in his, turn on the TV, and tell me how comfortable he was watching some action movie next to me. I was cozy next to him too, but I did not understand why it should be cozy and pleasant to watch TV and cuddle sitting on the sofa while there are so many pleasant and interesting things around, and while we are young and not too burdened with cares, we could see so many interesting things. Even in my hometown. There are theaters, cinemas, the circus, the zoo, museums, exhibition halls, and finally, just parks and streets, wandering through which is as pleasant as visiting museums, and, besides, completely free of charge.
Every alleyway, every house, even a tree, is like a personality. You can admire them, admire them, rejoice in meeting them. And we can watch TV on the couch later. It was as if I knew that in a few years the aches and pains would acutely prevent me from enjoying all that could be enjoyed on foot.
Going to the park was a dream come true for me, but for him it was a burden. He could easily walk 15-20 kilometers at a time, but when asked to go for a simple walk, he often answered that he was tired and would rather sit on the couch.
There were times when I thought that he might be embarrassed by her appearance or behavior, but it was impossible to doubt the impeccability of the manners instilled in me by my parents, and about my appearance and his feelings for her, he spoke so well and so much that I believed him. Otherwise, why else would he come to me almost daily? Not to have dinner or watch TV, really. He was perfectly capable of doing all that at home, too.
Eventually, realizing that he was accepted, he stopped bothering to talk at all, and I was left only to remember our rare walks. After some time had passed, they all merged into one distant memory, when he, just a boy, was so fascinated by the autumn leaves that he climbed up a tree for what seemed to be the most beautiful chestnut leaf. He picked it up and gave it to me.
It’s such a shame that all the beautiful things that love gives people can ultimately be reduced to a single chestnut leaf. Why is there only a couch and a television set left in his soul, is that really all a person needs to be happy? Is that really all that people love each other for?
That’s it. I am me, and he is my ex-husband. It has long been bad for my remaining health to do any kind of walking, but how much I still want to… Instead of sitting on the couch in front of the TV, I want to walk in the autumn park, read a book aloud, learn something new about the universe…
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