My mom is against my relationship

A year ago I started dating a man. Almost immediately we started living at my place, in my mother’s one-room apartment (she lives separately). My mother immediately took the news of a new beau negatively: he is divorced, has a child (lives with his ex-wife) and no apartment of his own. Then my mother seemed to reconcile herself and did not express a negative opinion.

After a couple of months, she gave me a scandal that we weren’t doing anything at home. We don’t buy anything for the house, we haven’t made any repairs, we don’t buy furniture or appliances, even though we were going to start doing that in just a couple of weeks. Then we went and bought a new stove, washing machine, vacuum cleaner. Mom kind of calmed down.

After a couple of months, she gave me a scandal that we weren’t doing anything at home. We don’t buy anything for the house, we haven’t made any repairs, we don’t buy furniture or appliances, even though we were going to start doing that in just a couple of weeks. Then we went and bought a new stove, washing machine, vacuum cleaner. Mom kind of calmed down.

Then my man and I had a crisis in our relationship: he got involved with his ex-wife, there is a complicated story, I will not explain it here. We had a big fight, and I went to my mother’s house at 7 a.m. (she lives next door) all in tears. She calmed me down, wanted to beat him up, but then she calmed down and advised me not to make hasty decisions. In the end we made up, promised not to mention this story to each other, and everything was back to normal.

Spring has come. Mom is busy with dachas: cucumbers, tomatoes, potatoes, strawberries, etc. I always told her that dacha is torture for me, that I don’t see the point in this hard labor in the garden. But all to no avail. That said, of course, she needs help. I confess honestly, I help her at the dacha very rarely. My mother is offended that “a healthy man of 35” also does nothing at the dacha, which means that “he does not care about his woman’s mother, he does not respect her, and therefore does not love and his woman. Of course, you can’t drive him into the garden, because he doesn’t understand these dacha delights either. And he’s just lazy, to be honest. I defend him, saying, “Why do you think he treats you so badly?

So today, after another scandal with my mother, I heard from her: “I don’t have a daughter, live as you want, but don’t regret it later. It’s on your conscience. He doesn’t care about your family and me. And so on in the same vein. She also told me how she wished everything bad for me, that she would clap her hands and pray that God would punish me.

P.S.: My father left us about five years ago. He cheated on my mom. Then he came back after a year, she accepted him, but he left again and she kicked him out. Now my mother is alone, she has no private life at all, so she demands a lot of attention. I understand that, of course, and before, when I didn’t have a loved one, I used to visit her a lot. We would sit over a bottle of wine, chat, smoke, sing karaoke. Now I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, and I just don’t have time to go to my mom’s every day. I have new friends (mostly his friends), we spend time together, and my mom is pissed that we “go out with friends” and spend money on nothing.

I don’t know what to do, how to behave and how to establish relationships with everyone. I don’t want to break up with the man I love because of my mother’s opinion. But she firmly believes that he doesn’t love me, doesn’t appreciate me, etc. I do not want this relationship with my mom, because sooner or later we will have children, and she is already saying that she does not care about his grandchildren. What to do?

Sophie Hayes Member since 12/02/2020

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