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All my life I’ve been living with pain. The pain of not having a mother, even though my mother is still alive. Last week was her birthday, and the thoughts and memories came flooding back.

My mom has two one-year-old daughters. But she doesn’t need me or my sister Irina. My mother broke up with our father when I was 3 years old and my sister was 2. Moreover, a few months after the divorce, my father moved from Ukraine to live in the Russian countryside with relatives, and my mother gave him my sister (at that time a two-year old girl) without any worries. She would have gladly given me to someone, too, but still, it was kind of embarrassing in front of her acquaintances.

I knew from a very young age that my mother didn’t like me, that I was in her way. She would leave me home alone at the age of four or five or six until the very night, and I would cry all evening and fall asleep in the chair. My mother would lock the refrigerator so that I, the child, wouldn’t steal anything tasty from it that she was supposed to eat herself. She never talked to me, never took an interest in my business or problems. When I turned 17 and had a boy over to visit me, my mother willfully married me off and sent me out of her apartment instead of having a heart-to-heart talk.

I knew from a very young age that my mother didn’t like me, that I was in her way. She would leave me home alone at the age of four or five or six until the very night, and I would cry all evening and fall asleep in the chair. My mother would lock the refrigerator so that I, the child, wouldn’t steal anything tasty from it that she was supposed to eat herself. She never talked to me, never took an interest in my business or problems. When I turned 17 and had a boy over to visit me, my mother willfully married me off and sent me out of her apartment instead of having a heart-to-heart talk.

Do you know what happens when you marry someone you first meet at 17? Having a baby and getting a divorce.

Since then, I’ve been living alone with my son Sasha. There were men in my life, but none of them became my soul mate, and I don’t need anything else.

For several more years I tried to call my mother, but she wouldn’t answer, and by chance, I found out that she was telling everyone that she was helping me almost daily, gifting my grandson and taking care of him.

As the years passed, the tactics changed. One day, after several unsuccessful phone calls, I decided to come to my mother and introduce her to my grandson. A neighbor came out on the phone and was very surprised that I was Svetlana Alexandrovna’s daughter. It turns out now, living in another house, in the apartment of her new husband, my mother simply explained that she was childless. And she never opened the door for me and my son that day.

My son is now 25 years old. He has never seen his grandmother.

And this year, two days before her birthday, my mother suddenly called herself. And you know what she said. She said: “Don’t you dare come and wish me a happy birthday again. I warn you, I won’t open the door. I don’t want kids.” Mom’s second husband is dead, and she lives all alone. I understand that it’s some strange mutated, apparently genes that have made her a person who doesn’t need anyone. But I’ve missed my mother all my life…

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